ROADS REPORT

By: David Matthews

Subway stations in Calcutta, India, are now playing calming classical music in an attempt to prevent passengers from committing suicide.

The Calcutta Metro Railway has racked up more hits since it opened in 1984 than Steely Dan—26 total including six just this year.

The music, composed by a local musician who is concerned about the high number of suicides, is accompanied by posters urging passengers to reconsider eating rail.

Recently declassified documents released by the National Security Archive last month detail some of the less successful spy techniques developed by the CIA.

One involved wiring cats with transmitting and control devices and sending them out on the streets to be used as mobile listening posts. Known as "Acoustic Kitty," the plan unfortunately relied on cats’ being able to be trained.

The end finally came during the initial trial run of the feline surveillance when the test cat was run over by a taxi.

Deputies chasing a burglary suspect in a Saucier, Miss., forest got an assist from the man’s cell phone.

Authorities say Milton Sims, 24, was in-volved in a minor traffic accident one morning last month. When he found out the cops had been called to the scene, he took off running into the woods.

When police arrived, they found Sims was wanted for burglary charges and began searching for him. After hiding for over an hour, Sims’ cell phone went off allowing deputies to locate him. ("I told you never to call me at this number!") He gave up without a fight.

A middle-aged man is wanted in Pittsburgh for removing women’s shoes in public and sniffing them.

One lady said a man kicked the back of her heel as she was walking down the street and knocked off her shoe. After apologizing, he grabbed the shoe and began smelling it. The woman lunged at the man and recovered her shoe, calling him a "weirdo," but the man just smiled and left.

Later that same day a man of similar description bent down and removed a woman’s shoe after complimenting it and began smelling it. Two other similar incidents have taken place since June.

A cop brought an Aberdeen, Wash., high school marching band to a hold last month saying they needed a parade permit to march on the streets, as well as a few alterations.

The officer told the 180-member band that four people would need to start wearing bright orange vests—two in front, two in back.

Central High School’s conductor, Dennis McDermott, has no plans of following orders, suggesting that perhaps the orange vests are so drivers would have something to aim at.

The practice was for a performance at a World War II memorial dedication.

A Houston ambulance driver was recently fired after stopping to buy doughnuts while taking a patient to the hospital.

Larry Wesley, a 20-year ambulance veteran, was transporting a boy with a leg injury when the munchies hit.

The boy’s mom filed the complaint. The driver’s defense: "It’s not like I was sniffing his shoe or anything."

The next time you see Alan Law of Cambridge, Ohio, cruising the neighborhood, you can bet he’ll be courteous and wear headphones.

That’s because Law was sentenced last month to listen to four hours of Cleveland’s own polka king Frankie Yankovic’s greatest hits after being pulled over for driving through a neighborhood with his stereo volume up and his windows down.

Municipal judge John Nicholson actually gave Law the choice of a $100 fine or the polka, but Law chose Frankie.

And Frankie he got for four hours in a police station interview room. His punishment included "Blue Skirt Waltz," "Who Stole the Kishka" and, of course, "Too Fat Polka."